Venting

I know most of you are NOT going to want to read this. But since this is my way of journal writing, I am in desperate need to do this. I hope it won't take too long as I have been on the computer all day, literally, trying to fix my blog as it wasn't allowing me to post. I have so much to post, let's pray I can type fast.

I have been pretty depressed the last week. Most of you are going to think how can she be depressed she has so much going for her. I am not saying I am not blessed, because I am. I am just having some bad feelings and thoughts.

For starters, this has been on my mind now for the past 7 weeks. I feel like such a bad mother like I have lacked in giving my child the best and a failure. It is in regards to breast feeding. I am not going to compare myself to anyone, but I always read about people who can do it. You would think that I could/should have done it with my 2nd. I should have more experience in trying. Heck I have read many times over even first time moms have done it. Then what the heck is WRONG with me? Do I lack patience? I tried harder this time than with Wyatt. I am regretting so so bad that I did not try harder and have more patience. I could have even pumped and fed and I gave that up too! Was I in denial? I don't know what I was. I still though that I do have a STRONGER bond with Oaklee than with Wyatt. And both have been formula fed. Formula hasn't been that expensive. I just always here moms and read everywhere that "BREAST IS BEST". I couldn't agree more. But, I hate hearing this. It turns my day into a nightmare. Oh I wish I could have been more patient. The weird thing is that I have these awful feelings of myself and about my decision to give it up. I say that because when Oaklee was almost a week old I was debating this decision. She was being supplemented with formula since the hospital. Her blood sugar was low and wasn't having stools. I was even feeding her like every 2 1/2 hours. The day after she was born they discovered this and told me that I should supplement. So, I did. They gave me a syringe that I would use. It was mostly good because she did not get a bottle. However, if you did not get the whole in the right spot in her mouth, she would not get anything. One night I tried for over an hour to insert the syringe into her mouth. So, I kind of blame the hospital for making me already supplement her on formula. I might not have given up so easy if I didn't have the formula in my home. Anyway...back to the point. The Sunday after she was born I had so many mixed emotions with what I should do in the feeding department. Kyle and I had prayed and prayed and I received blessings to help us come to an answer. On the way home from his parents' house we stopped by my work to fax some papers to our insurance. When I was upstairs at work (Kyle was in the car), I knew I had my answer...TO DO FORMULA. When I went back down to the car I told Kyle I needed to tell him something. He gave me the look and we both started sobbing. We weren't even together at that point and we both had received the same answer. So why in the heck am I having these bad feelings if I had the answer to formula feed? Anyway, that is one thing that makes me so sad and depressed on a daily basis. I hope hope hope the next time around the 3rd try is the charm. I would love to add that to one of my accomplishments (that and I am going to try going natural again!).

My next depression moment....WEIGHT. I know I know it's only been 7 weeks since I gave birth. But, it is so hard for me to see how much weight I have to loose to be at where I was. The road to loosing my weight last time was rough. I didn't even get motivated to loose weight until Wyatt was 1. So, I am making an accomplishment. But, I am having a hard time thinking about how long it will be until I finally feel good about myself again. I have been doing pretty good about dieting. I don't eat really that much for fear that I will put weight on! I usually eat breakfast, some sort of snack, and dinner. And I have been exercising 4 days a week. When I do exercise it is so so hard. I just wish I had my exercising companion with me. She helped me last time more than I can ever express. THANK YOU AMANDA. I miss you more than ever. You were my pusher and companion. No one can replace you! All I can do about this weight thing is take it one day at a time and one pound at a time. I would love and give anything to be even smaller than I was. It would be fun and maybe encouraging to see myself at 150 lbs. That would be amazing. Maybe someday. But for now I am shooting for my pre-pregnancy weight. I have 40 lbs to go!

There are many other things that occupy my mind. Those are the 2 major things. Some others that I don't really need to elaborate on. I am bad at being a perfectionist. Everything has to be perfect! A lot of this pertains to my house. I need to face it...an old home will never be perfect. I feel bad because Kyle tries his hardest to make it to my standards and remodeled. Our latest project is our bathroom. I have been so hard on him in letting him know the mistakes and imperfections. I am going to tell him tonight I am sorry and that I appreciate the hard work he has put into it so far. (I will post the before and after pics when it is done!).

I expect too much out of myself I think. The problem is I don't know how to fix it. I haven't gone back to work yet. I have been staying home with the kiddos. I always am saying that I am such a bad mom or bad person because we just sit home and do nothing all day. Hopefully, with the changing seasons that will change. And I have to remember....WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT? All the accomplishments or LOVING MY CHILDREN AND SPENDING TIME WITH THEM? After all before I/we know it, they will be gone, on their own!

Well, I think I have vented enough! I just had to get that stuff out. I think that the bad feelings might be the birth control. I started taking it like 4 days ago. And that is about when these changes have come upon me. Maybe I should switch brands. Nah...too much hassel! I think it was the one I was on before. Plus, I got 3 months worth. I can overcome this without having to change it! I have more power over dumb medicine! Sorry for no pictures...I will do another post here with some since you read this long depressing post!